I am not Supposed to be Here

{This is a testimony shared during a worship service at Southampton Chinese Christian Church on 10 September 2017, toward the end of my MA History course at the University of Southampton.}

Peace to you, brothers and sisters. My name is Asher, and I am from Singapore. I am currently studying for a Master’s degree in History at the University of Southampton, specializing in Jewish and Christian History. It is an honour to be sharing my testimony with you today. I am not supposed to be here, but by the grace of God, here I am!

How I Survived My Undergraduate Course

I first came to Southampton in 2014 to study for a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. I was sponsored by a scholarship from the government. Many people tell me, “Wow, you are very intelligent!”—until they hear the rest of my story.

Before university, I studied Information Technology (IT) at Singapore Polytechnic, and I graduated among the top of my cohort. Actually, my studies at Singapore Polytechnic were also sponsored by a scholarship from the government. So, the government thought that I was so good at IT, that they gave me two scholarships—one for polytechnic and one for university! In fact, the University of Southampton also thought that I was good enough, that they let me skip the first year, and enrolled me directly into the second year.

My Struggles with Computer Science

However, within the first four weeks of university, I knew one thing for sure: I am not supposed to be here!

I found myself struggling to do the very things which I once excelled at. I could not understand the lectures. I did not know how to complete my assignments properly. I failed almost every Computer Science exam. I did not dare to tell anyone about my struggles because everyone believed in me. If you asked anyone who knew me at that time, all of them would tell you, “He is very good with computers.” That was how all my friends and family knew me: I was very good with computers. What would they think if they found out that I was struggling with Computer Science?

Even worse: according to my scholarship contract, if I did not graduate with second-upper class honours, then I would have to forfeit my scholarship, and my parents would have to repay the government 110% of the money sponsored to me. I felt like a complete disappointment. I lived in constant fear of the day when everyone would find out how badly I was really doing. I had no one to turn to. God was the only one who knew my struggles, but I did not turn to him at first because he never promised that he would help me get good grades. I mean, no point trusting God to do something he never promised, right?

Being encouraged by the promises of God

But he did promise this in Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. (NIV)

This verse is not saying that everything will eventually turn out good; that is not what God is promising here. Even if you are a Christian, things may still turn out bad at the end. Look carefully at what the verse is saying, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” This means that no matter how things turn out, God is causing all things, whether good or bad, to work together to result in “good” for us. Now, what is this “good” that God is promising here? No, it is not getting good grades for university exams. Let us take a look at the next verse:

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son. (NIV)

So, God did not promise me that he would help me to graduate successfully, but he did promise me that he is using this difficult journey to grow me such that I become more like Christ, and I think that that is most important—more important than passing my exams, graduating, keeping my scholarship, and saving my face.

How I Came to Study History at Postgraduate Level

Okay, so how did I end up studying History? Well, it was a very weird story. While I was struggling with Computer Science, God strangely put this desire in me to study History. But back then, it was impossible for me to study History. Three obstacles stood in my way:

Obstacle #1

According to the University’s website, one of the requirements for applying for the Master’s in History course was that I needed to have a related Bachelor’s degree with second-upper class honours. Remember that at this time I was struggling hard with Computer Science. I was not even sure whether I was going to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree at all, let alone with second-upper class honours! I felt like a joke as I filled in that application form. But later on, when the results were released, I found out that I had actually graduated successfully—with second-upper class honours! How did that happen? I do not know; it must be a miracle!

Obstacle #2

Remember that according to the application requirements, my Bachelor’s degree had to be related to History. Is Computer Science related to History? Not at all; it is not even a Humanities subject! So, the University of Southampton swiftly rejected my application.

I lay on my bed, discouraged by the rejection. My mother came to me and said, “Asher, get up and reply that e-mail!” I replied that e-mail, all the while feeling like a joke. This is a university, after all. Why would they make an exception for me?

But then, the course convener wrote back and agreed to interview me over Skype. However, he warned:

The skills required to study at postgraduate level are complex, take time to acquire and require much practice. Students on our MA course have to cover a lot of historical and historiographical material over the course of the year. Many students, including those with an undergraduate degree in History, struggle to keep up.

So, we had the interview over Skype, and praise God, he agreed to enroll me into the course. Toward the end of the interview, he asked me if I had any questions. So, I asked him, “You said in the e-mail that even students who have a Bachelor’s degree in History have a difficult time in the Master’s course, so what should I do to prepare myself?” He replied, “Ah, don’t worry about that; you will do just fine.” In other words, he thought that I was more ready for the Master’s course than a person with a Bachelor’s degree in History! How did that happen? I do not know; it must be a miracle!

Obstacle #3

Remember that I am a government scholar. The government gave me a scholarship to study Computer Science, and in return, I must work for them for six years. That was the contract. When I came back after my final year, they wanted me to start work immediately. So, imagine what it was like when I wrote an e-mail to the Human Resource department saying, “No, I don’t want to start work now; I want to study History first!” Of course, the reply was a swift and decisive “No!”

Again, I lay on my bed, discouraged by the rejection. Again, my mother came to me and said, “Asher, get up and reply that e-mail!” Again, I replied that e-mail, all the while feeling like a joke. This is the government, after all. Why would they make an exception for me?

To cut a long story short, my government agency eventually agreed to allow me to return to Southampton to study for my Master’s degree in History. How did that happen? I do not know; it must be a miracle!

What I have Learned through this Journey

Truly, this whole journey has been very miraculous. It was not without difficulties, but God used these difficulties to teach me two very important lessons:

Lesson #1

Deuteronomy 8:3 says:

And he humbled you by causing you to hunger, and then feeding you with the manna... in order to teach you that a person does not live on bread alone. Rather, a person lives on every word that comes out of the mouth of Jehovah. (Translation mine)

Now, this verse is not saying that we do not need food to survive; it is saying that even for the food that we need to survive, we depend on the provision of God, whether we know it or not. Actually, that applies to everything, “For in him we live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28)

When I was in Polytechnic, I thought that I excelled at Computer Science because I was very intelligent. It became my identity, “I am very good with computers.” But when I came to university, God supernaturally suspended my abilities in Computer Science so that I would learn that I am not intelligent naturally. In the past, I excelled at IT not because I was intelligent, but because God gave me the ability. I am only able to do what God makes me able to do, and apart from him, I cannot do anything at all.

This is very important, because I will be going back to Singapore at the end of this month to work for the government, and they have already assigned me to the IT department. So, if I am to do my work well, then I am dependent on God every day to continually give me the ability in IT.

Lesson #2

God always has his way of getting his way. If he wants me to study History, he knows how to make it happen, and nothing can stop him. I faced three impossible obstacles, and he answered with three amazing miracles. As Christians, we have God’s omnipotence on our side. This means that we can always be sure that God is always in control of everything.

As Christians, we can be confident that God has a destiny for us that we cannot mess up. Even if I had failed my Bachelor’s degree, forfeited my scholarship and became a disappointment to anyone, I can still be confident that God is still carrying out his plan for my life, and my failures and shortcomings will not limit him in any way. But I thank God that in my case, he has allowed me to graduate against all odds, and against all odds brought me all the way to where I am today. I am not supposed to be here, but by the grace of God, here I am!